”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.