Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.