SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
subtitles are so good nowadays
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!