In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
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Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.