All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.