[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
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Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm