Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers