I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.