*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact