[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day