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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”


A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.


A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth


Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works


People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.


I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.


‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.