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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
That’s not how days work.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine