*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
we’re gonna need another temp
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer