date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.