Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try