Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
You Might Also Like
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
sigh
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.