[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I love wikipedia
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Siri: Retweet me.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom