Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful