I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
There is no “we” in pizza
Heroic Misunderstanding
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit