Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast