Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”