my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”