I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Super Hand Dog Face
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I