Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Your secret is safeish with me
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you