Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years