My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?