Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
You Might Also Like
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
me refusing to leave twitter
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.