“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that