If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Britain be like
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem