8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN