Home is where your toilet is.
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Covid like
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.