I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
#MeanwhileinCanada
#Caturday
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.