If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Holy shit he’s back
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed