Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.