“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
A tragic love story in two pictures.
the three branches of government
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator