They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
You Might Also Like
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Oceanography is all about current events
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves