@rockymomax

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

You Might Also Like

@yung__spider

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@Reverend_Scott

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

@Cpin42

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@Spaced_Cowboy00

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

@DanHofer

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

@HatfieldAnne

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

@juneohara65

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@ConorOToole

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old