@rockymomax

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

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@birkinmami

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

@iwearaonesie

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

@JayElem00

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

@causticbob

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

@Vice_Queen

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

@osigat

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway