SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK