@birkinmami haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
@rockymomax SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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@birkinmami 
@iwearaonesie wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
@batsVsupes 
@The_MartiniGirl I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
@JayElem00 Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
@causticbob What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
@ericsshadow My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
@Vice_Queen I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
@osigat ♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
@lazerdoov Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway