@yung__spider bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
@rockymomax SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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@yung__spider 
@Reverend_Scott Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
@Cpin42 I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
@egg_dog facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
@Spaced_Cowboy00 A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
@DanHofer I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
@HatfieldAnne Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
@juneohara65 “Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
@mjohnny3 On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
@ConorOToole Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old