What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.