What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.