Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.