They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I love you to the refrigerator and back
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops