They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.