I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.