I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Don’t talk down to me
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me, in DM rooms…
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No