“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.