*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food