I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
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Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Science memes
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them