The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
79.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.