if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Monday
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce