Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.