God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
(yawn)
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
accurate
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!