[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Fiction has to make sense.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done