Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
it was love at first sight
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I think we should hear other voices.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget